Welp. Change of plans.

I was in the middle of cutting weight for the meet and it turns out weigh-in accommodations couldn't be made due to my flight getting in too late. I'll be forced to weigh in morning of, not leaving me enough time to hydrate and fuel up. I couldn't take off work and the best flight I could get out of Columbus was 5:30pm landing around 8:05pm in Atlanta. Maybe this was meant to be or maybe shit just happens sometimes. I won't lie, I was a bit frustrated, and having no carbs for the last 48 hours while water loading didn't help the situation either. It was an expected plan that just fell through. I was frustrated with myself, I was frustrated with the situation, and I just wanted to get to a chipotle as quick as possible.

As always, I started to overthink everything. I felt like once again I didn't know what I was doing with training; being indecisive and not committing to a plan, or not planning appropriately for a plan. Should I do this meet? Am I doing it for the sake of it? Am I doing it as a favor to others? Do I feel pressured? I started to notice a pattern. Not only was I frustrated with myself for reacting the way I did, I realized other factors in my life tied into this very moment - a moment of weakness where I just wanted to flat out cry my eyes out. Just because of not being able to weigh in the class I compete in?

So I compete in the 148 class (weighing 139), so what? At the end of the day, no one cares how much I weigh or what I lifted. I'm saying that because that's the reality of it. I'll compete in this meet, write about it, then life goes on. I take what I can from this experience, share it with the world in hopes someone can benefit from it, then another cycle will begin for the next meet I'll compete in. Please don't take that out of context.

But there was more to it.

After analyzing the situation, my reaction and recognizing the triggers that produced my behavior and emotional downfall - I admitted to myself that my personal life was just as out of whack as my training  and it has been affecting me and my attitude. I'm not content with where I am - feeling like each day is a step back from reaching my goals.

I internalize everything. I go with the motions sometimes, and to avoid dealing with things, I put myself in careless mode. The only way I know I can actually make improvements was to talk about it openly, honestly without the fear of sounding weak.

Identifying Triggers:

My living situation is not ideal but not permanent

A job that has nothing to do with my field of study

I'm not making the salary I want (settling for a salary that will help me just get by)

Continuing education seems unaffordable right now (avoiding falling into debt)

Investing in a sport that requires energy and a lot of money (that sometimes puts me in a rut)

The pressure of meeting standards as an athlete

Relationship that requires commitment, compromises and risks

Living in a new environment is causing me to feel lonelier and increasing the likelihood of distancing myself from family members [which my family is another story, but everyone has theirs]

And training - which seems like I'm just training to train

What they all have in common is uncertainty, instability, and self imposed pressure. After venting to Casey. After reading his post on "capitalizing on the downs to build upward momentum". After talking with Amy Wattles, thanking her for her "rebuilding" sequel - it has encouraged me to open up and just flat out say that I'm human, that it is OKAY to feel the way I do and I'm not alone. The positive in this is throughout time, I have learned how to be observant. Viewing things from just inside the box won't get you anywhere; neither does a pitty party. Identify the triggers, become aware of them, and plan a course of action on how to move forward. Sometimes making a small, realistic short-term goal can motivate you back to a positive mentality.

The human "...fear of consequences is always worse than the consequences themselves. [Just knowing that] can help us move toward a more optimistic interpretation of the downs we will inevitably face. So the next time you catch yourself feeling hopeless--or helpless-- about some snag in your career, some frustration at your job, or some disappointment in your personal life, remember that there is always a Third Path upwards--your only task is to find it."

I've identified that my situation is defining me. I am not being present ruining the opportunity to work on my current self and attitude. I'm becoming a "yes" person rather than doing what's best for me. I'm letting external factors ruin something that makes me sane and happy - training. Training is a series of trial and errors. You will always need to adapt because your body and needs are continuously changing.  That's the point of adapting, achieving, and overcoming. Living, learning, and passing on. What this experience is supposed to be all about.

The cliché part - things could be worse, everything always ends, and we should live in the moment because yesterday is gone and tomorrow is never promised.

Wish me a fucking smash weights this weekend. I will be learning what I can and reporting back with lessons learned.