It was a muggy and hot day, and we headed off to the nursery in search of a new tree (thug life).

Amidst the journey of the back roads of central Ohio, we stumbled across a place named trapper Johns, little did we know then, our "great idea" wouldn't turn out so great.

We pulled in a gravel lot, got out strolled into the shack of an office and before we even asked about the "three-hour tour" we were signed up and whisked off quickly to the life jacket and boat launch area.

I was thrown a life jacket, pushed into a kayak (my first time) and shoved in, Sheena followed shortly after (seasoned vet). As we started down the river a man yells out "whatever you do don't go left at the forkkkkk" and it echoed through the river.

We looked at each other and said "HUH" no sooner did the man's voice trail off a massive storm rolled in and the skies opened up with a rain of biblical proportions.

The water must have risen a foot, no two, no THREE feet in a matter of minutes. The rapids grew and thrashed and turned us around. We had to be going down the river at, at least 30 miles per hour.

Suddenly we see the "Do not go left fork," and there is a vast tree splitting the river and the rapids are intense and me being the stand-up guy I am I put myself between Sheena and this tree that had spikes and barbed wire wrapped around it. It was on fire from a lightning strike too, but hey I was ready to die!

As I was smashed against this death tree Sheena bounced off my now burning sinking kayak and paddled off to safety, I abandoned my vessel shortly after and swam the treacherous waters for three miles fighting off snakes and river sharks, but nevertheless, I survived- batter, bruised and hungry- but alive.

My active recovery day turned into a survival day, and I'll never even shower again- water scares me it drizzled on the way home, and I pulled over and got in my trunk. A city boy has no part battling mother nature and her whitewater of death, no sir- I'll stick to gun and gang violence any ol' day.

Some of these segments may be exaggerated slightly to make the story "flow" better.