So far this was the most complex chapter to read, and admittedly I didn't read it as critically as the others. There is only one chapter left and I think I have my eye on the light at the end of the tunnel. With that being said, I still had as much or even more to take away from this chapter than all of the other so far. Short and sweet, if you will...
Watts delves into the idea of freedom:
"I am not, thank heaven, free to walk out of doors and leave my head at home. Likewise I am not free to live in any moment but this one, or to separate myself from my feelings."
"You can only live in one moment at a time, and you cannot think simultaneously about listening to the waves and whether you are enjoying listening to the waves."
So loosely, we are not so much free as we think we are. However, by embracing the present, we are instantly free. Think about some of the most joyous moments of your life...
"...the best pleasures are those for which we do not plan, and the worst part of pain is expecting it and trying to get away from it when it has come. You cannot plan to be happy."
So what if you are not happy? I pushed those that I was close with- family, friends, girlfriend- away from me when I needed them most. I wasn't depressed (in the medical term). My father is manic/depressive so I know how deep that goes and I've never felt that way. But I was certainly depressed in some ways. And I dealt with it by trying to escape into whatever I thought might give me security. For me that was other relationships. Not even physical- I was just searching for the comfort of having a safety net- someone to be with in case this relationship didn't work out. Surprise!- the current relationship will never work out if you do that.
"Such outlandish and insatiable desires come into being because man is exploiting his appetites to give the 'I' a sense of security...."
"I am depressed, and want to get 'I' out of this depression. The opposite of depression is elation, but because depression is not elation, I cannot force myself to be elated. I can, however, get drunk...Very soon I begin to hate myself for getting so drunk, which makes me still more depressed- and so it goes."
I hated myself for reaching out to other girls for comfort while I was in a relationship. But I kept doing it and I couldn't figure out why until reading this chapter. So how do you find love? You have to love yourself first, right? Isn't that what everyone says? I know my ex told me that when we broke up- 'you'll never love anyone until you learn to love yourself.'
"But there is no formula for generating the authentic warmth of love. It cannot be copied. You cannot talk yourself into it or rouse it by straining at the emotions...Everyone has love, but it can only come out when he is convinced of the impossibility and frustration of trying to love himself. this conviction will not come through...hating oneself...It comes only in the awareness that one has no self to love."