Overthinking is probably one of the worst kinds of torture that we can do to ourselves, but I truly believe that there are rare, rare, rare instances where it can lead you to the root of the problem. I've been doing a lot of overthinking since starting this journey, and there are just days where I cannot get out of my own head; completely missing in the moment experiences. And the reason why it kept occurring more and more often was for a reason I couldn't put my finger on. Well, I can name a few reasons but what was the root of it all?

My relationship with my mother consists of text messages on birthdays and holidays, and I'm not really sure if she knows where I'm living or working. My father is a good dad who makes very poor decisions, so you can say our relationship is pretty inconsistent. Distance has brought tension to the relationships that I do have with other family members; and friends - as much as I hate to admit this but - life gets busy.

Making a cold turkey decision to adventure something new seemed like a change I needed. I graduated college; I ended a 3 year relationship with my best friend who I still love and care for; and the passion for what I wanted to pursue turned into something questionable. I was back to square one feeling like a chicken running around with no head but if I needed change, I had to make change happen.

Fast forward to today: going through unemployment, twice; two different states within 6 months of moving from Miami; bills piling up and days where I can't afford to get from point A to B; new relationship, new friends, new environment...

Last night, I realized, I just wasn't ready for it all, and I'm dealing with the consequences (avoidance). All of a sudden tension was released from my body. I've had dreams where I'm trying to save the life I had, feeling guilty and crying for forgiveness, and I think it has a lot to do with expectations (fears) I had or have trying to build this new life. It's challenging me in ways that sometimes I question if it was really worth it- risking what I had before.

There are days where I'm so goal-focused, where I'm like "fuck yes, I got this", and then there are other days where I find myself on the couch staring at the wall. I feel lonely thinking that it's all in my head. The doubt. The worry. Unhappiness. The fear of being misunderstood.

I've learned through conversations with friends, or encounters I've had with complete strangers venting, expressing themselves gave me a sense of clarity because despite those things, they kept moving forward. I mean there is every type of story you can think of out there yet when we're imprisoned by our own minds, we feel like there is no solution or common relation, and it's inhibiting us from being our true selves.

What's next? Vision and goals. Risk and reward.

After rambling about all this bullshit, all I can really say about it is: without risk, there is in fact no reward. My experience can come full circle-- end up back in Miami and I'm okay with that. That was the possibility I was avoiding (fear of it not working out). One thing I am certain about is, hard work. Consistently trying to get better. No matter how many set backs, negative days, FAILURES you encounter, it gives you a chance to come back and make it right. To learn. To grow. To train your mind.

I encourage you to be brutally honest with yourself. Ask questions. Really get to know a sense of who you are. Despite whatever daily frequencies you're dealing with and people of questionable intention, use that energy to focus. Take a shitty experience and turn it into a positive one. Make realistic goals. I mean we all have a vision of what we want. How are we going to get that want?

We can feel encouraged by random postings (much like this one), then a few days later, we're back to old habits. That's what I mean about hard work. It's not going to happen over night, and for some, it may take a lifetime, and even so, many won't have the courage to take action and responsibility to make things happen. So, this is a reminder for us: to treasure the moments (highs and lows) in between the outcome we're working towards. That just because we don't have it figured out, doesn't mean we are less capable or less worthy.

The process isn't always perfect or comfortable. It's not always happy or easy, but you can look back and say "fuck it, I did what I wanted."