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Valentine’s Day is easily the most stressful holiday for people with penises. Christmas sucks too, but you at least have a chance of getting something good. With Valentine's Day, a bad gift/experience can set you up for an entire year of no oral and bad hand jobs (aka: High School Hannies).

Now it's crunch time people. Here are some last minute tips as you head home from work:

1. Buy some flowers, but put them in a vase. This rhymes with BASE, not BAAAZ. This makes it look like you care.

2. Buy a card, but actually write in the card—and not just your name. Pretend you’re writing a letter to Jessica Alba if you can't find the words. Include things such as "incredible" or "you are everything" and "best friend."

3. If you haven't made dinner reservations yet...you’re screwed. You are not getting in anywhere fancier than Steak 'n Shake. But don't worry — you can always make dinner. I don't know how to cook, but this is where you can fake it 'til you make it. Your solution? Call a restaurant and get some takeout food. Take the food out of the containers and present it on plates. Make sure to throw out the containers so she won't find them.

I recommend getting some Italian takeout because nothing screams "romantic" like a bowl of ravioli. Oh, and make sure you garnish the meal with Pabst.

Valentines day

4. During your meal, you need to pretend that you’re an attentive listener. This isn’t easy, as most of the conversation is probably not going to be about you. This sucks because (and this is the truth) few things are of interest to me...other than me. So be sure to frown a lot, nod your head, and give her a look that says, "Do you smell that? I think someone farted.” It makes you seem like you’re really concerned about her mother's latest pap smear.

5. Do some hand holding, but not with Smittens. This is a sure sign that you’ve not only lost your balls, but also your ability to grab her ass. And we all know that nothing says, "I love you" like an ass slap. But it wouldn't hurt to reach across the table and hold her hand...unless your thumbs are killing you from trying out your new hook grip. If that’s the case, use straps.

6. Finally, we get to the sex. Unfortunately, it's not going to happen. You’re going to have to make love, which is code for "really boring, slow sex.” The problem with love making is that a lot of eye contact goes on. This isn’t good because it's hard to think about Jessica Alba when you’re with Janey Average. And since we're not Brad Pitt, you can be sure she's going to be all Sahara down there. So go through the motions and just be thankful that you’re getting some stanky.

This might be of some help later...when you walk into the house empty handed today.