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The Arnold can be a bit boring at times. Many go there because they get free supplements, although every year the supplement companies keep getting more Scrooge-like. What happened to the free samples? You’d be better off going to Sam’s club on a Sunday morning.

If you go to the Arnold every year just because of tradition – we can provide you some entertainment. If this is going to be your first time, this will prepare you for what you will see.

Fake boobs – Yes, you are going to see MANY of these. Don’t get too excited yet, because this is probably the best thing you’ll see all day. Even if you’re a woman, I regret to inform you that this is still probably still the best thing you’ll see all day – next to some bodybuilders. But remember this; they are not fake if you can touch them.

Synthol – Synthol is to muscles as strap-ons are to penises.

Beastly Chic – There are many of these, and most of them will be walking hand-in-hand with their George Costanza-looking boyfriends/husbands. They usually have the same hairlines.

Out of Breath Guy Walking – The all-time best out-of-shape guy was a certain world record holder in the bench press. About 4 years ago, I (Jim) saw him walking around with a sweat soaked shirt and an oxygen tank. And he wasn’t even competing.

Wearing Free T-Shirt over Regular Shirt – There is nothing better for a supplement company than a gangly teenager advertising the latest in pro-hormones and muscle building supplements.


Zit or Boil the Size of a Quarter – The Arnold is known for two things: the largest gathering of people that are unable to procreate and large, alien-like pustules. If the urge to squeeze a white head becomes unbearable, wear gloves.

Old Man Hitting on a Hot Fitness Model – Good for him. Make sure she signs a prenup.

Guy With Shirt Off – At the Arnold, they’re usually the fattest most unattractive guys and smell like B.O.

Girl in Heels and Bikini – Are they strippers? Or do they want you to buy some whey protein? Both will empty your wallet with little in return!

Bitch Tit – These will range from C to usually DD cups. But at least their stuff is working.

Mullet or Skullet – The classic Bolton comes back in style every year for the Arnold.

Anadrol Bloat Face – I respect these guys quite a bit as they don’t hide their love of anabolics. There is a group of lifters out there that like to downplay their use; we call them Carolina CC’s. These guys usually walk around, out of breath, tons of zits, moon-faced and with blood pressure in the 200/180 range…yet they claim to be taking only 250mg/ml a week of test and 1 dianabol tab a day. This is VERY popular with lifters from North and South Carolina.

Otomix shoes (white) – Usually worn with scrunchy socks and no pride.

Bodybuilder gender-bender – Code name: Richard Tucker.

Tight Affliction Shirt – Not as bad as Tap Out, though. Those wearing Affliction shirt guys classify themselves as “Cage Fighters,” although their official fight record is nothing but goose eggs.

Nipple Hard-On (guy or girl) – On a girl – it can be attractive. On a guy, it usually means his areolas are larger than pepperoni.

Tramp Stamp on Girl – What was once a little slut secret has kind of run its course.  Even soccer moms have these. And they wear mom pants. And rarely put out.

Camo Cargo Shorts – One word…winter.

Timberland boots with Shorts – Ruined by rappers.

Camel Toe – Nothing better than spandex nestled between potato wedges!

ILS (imaginary lat syndrome) – To those that always “Carry Luggage” – put it down and do some deadlifts and chin-ups.

Men’s Hair Highlights – Usually related to the Guido or the Guido Light.

Guido – You were cool to make fun of but now we just hate you. Get out of the Midwest.

Cut Flannel Shirt – Shirts that have collars should have sleeves. That’s a fact.