elitefts™ Sunday Edition

Before you go and answer that straight-away with a resounding, “DUH”, let’s be fair here. There are more than a few of you reading this rant that already hate me and no matter what I say you are pre-programmed to disagree with what I say. The only thing keeping you from responding in the comments section already, by calling me names and telling me how much of a pussy I am, is you haven’t finished reading the entire article. Of course, for some of you, reading the entire article is second to saying derogatory and shitty things. I am fine with being called names, but at LEAST read the entire article and THEN berate me.

I fancy myself a pretty well-rounded guy. I like things other than just picking up weights and putting them down and checking out my reflection any time my sexy body is staring back at me in my bathroom mirror or a department store window. If I am not shooting guns recreationally with my family I might be line-dancing or doing something that I haven’t done before, just to kind of enjoy something else that isn’t, you know, gym related. Which brings me to my point: My wife and I ride motorcycles a lot. On a hot summer day there is nothing I like more than riding my old-school bobber in my jeans, riding boots, no helmet and no shirt. I call it “white trash riding”. (Politically correct, I am not).

I am not a huge guy, but I am in better shape and more muscular than most everyone else that I see on a daily basis—at least if I am not training at Armbrust Pro Gym that day. I am certainly in better shape than most people who ride motorcycles and if the Mr. Olympia was only open to people in Sturgis, I would easily place. Being in shape at a motorcycle rally is about as common as a powerlifter eating vegetables. It happens but not...very...often. (Cue irritated, powerlifter vitriol).

I am pretty used to being stared at. Primarily because I am not terribly attractive, but also because I am almost always very lean and usually have veins showing in my legs, arms, etc. I have been stared at when I get ready for bodybuilding shows whether I have a shirt on at the grocery store or at the beach with only swim trunks on. My kids and my wife are used to it and I am fine with it 99 percent of the time. The other one percent of the time I get irritated and wonder why people care so much about what other people do and how they look.

The last motorcycle rally we were at we were walking around on a day that was cloudless and in the 90s. In Colorado it is a “dry heat” (I always laugh at that statement because hot is still F*ing hot) and we were in jeans and chaps and I had no shirt on. Mind you, this is outside and if you don’t ride or haven’t been to a motorcycle rally, be fair and understand that there are many people with no shirts on. The problem is that none of them are in shape and none of them have a tan so they don’t stand out as targets for other people’s insecurity darts. Yeah, I just made that up on the fly. It is this type of skill that I was born with and destined me to be a writer. However, I digress…

Here is where I need help: I need someone to explain to me whether I am the douchebag for not wearing a shirt and “showing off” or if others are the douchebags for being uncomfortable with me having my shirt off. And before you hate and accuse me of being egotistical, maybe put Stan Efferding in place of me and he rides his Harley to a rally where a lot of guys are walking around shirtless and he takes his off because it is 90 degrees . If you hate on me, you are hating on Stan.

I am not walking around like a bodybuilder in that I am not flexing; I am not looking at myself; I am not holding a soda or cup of water with my arm half-flexed, and I am not walking with my arms out to the side with inflated lats like I am standing on stage. At that point in time I am a biker that happens to be tanner and more muscular than everyone else around. I am a NORMAL guy who has his shirt off that just happens to not look as normal as everyone else. This does not sit well with people.

Most people are great and I even sometimes get asked to take a picture with someone. That is flattering. Having someone say something like “looks like a bee stung you…all over” is funny, as well, yet I have heard that comment more times than a fat girl has heard she has a great personality. I just laugh it off like it was the first time I had heard that comment. Then there are the sneers; the pointing and saying I should put on a shirt; the comments like “if I didn’t have a job I would look like that too,” etc. These people are in the minority, but what motivates comments like this? Insecurity? Am I really making that person feel that uncomfortable?

Personally, I think that most people just don’t like to see other people have things they don’t have and if they aren’t in shape, they don’t like to see others in shape, either. It is a societal thing. Bodybuilders pick at powerlifters and powerlifters pick at bodybuilders and the rich pick at the poor for being unmotivated and the poor bitch about the rich having so much. We resent what we don’t have, I think. I live in a very nice neighborhood where I sometimes feel a little awkward when a neighbor will ask me what I do for a living because I feel like they might look at me and think, “You can live in this neighborhood?" My own insecurities—I get it.

On the other hand, maybe I am just WAY off here. It could just be that I own a motorcycle for no other reason than to have another excuse to take off my shirt and show off how fucking awesomely cool I am. Why? Because I AM. My titties are better than yours and so is my tan and I need everyone to witness it.

I guess I'm the douchebag but I'm good with it.

Deal with it.

Just Sayin’.