Anyone who knows me well knows that I’m not easily scared when it comes to my health. I’m not one of the pussies who runs to the doctor every time I feel a pain or get a little sniffle. Plus even though I have health insurance I like to feel the plight of others and act like I’m not covered by never going to the doctor. Ok, that last part is not entirely true, I’m just so cheap that I hate paying $30 co-pays. But I did have quite a health scare recently that had me slightly concerned.

I am realistic, I’m in my mid forties, I have weighed over 300lbs my entire adult life and still do, so I’m aware that I’m a ticking time bomb for certain health risks that target people in my demographic. Recently I have noticed that my toenails have been turning black. Over the last few weeks it has gotten worse and worse to the point that they really looked bad and had me concerned. Of course I do my own diagnosis instead of going to an actual qualified doctor and determine that I have diabetes. What else could it be right? I’m big, I eat like there is no tomorrow, I don’t do any cardio….I’m now a full on diabetic and was ready to live as one.

After a while I did decide that maybe I should seek a professional opinion on this. But before I go to the doctor to have him check out my new dead toes and schedule the amputation of one or both of my feet I decided to cut my toenails just for aesthetic purposes. Now this may sound strange to some of you “non-three hundred pounders” but I don’t cut my nails that frequently for the sheer fact that I can’t reach them that easily. I don’t have very flexible hips and my back is kind of tight so it’s a chore. Some of you may be thinking “Steve, why doesn’t your wife do that for you?” Very good question. My theory is that she is saving her energy for my later years for when she is pushing me around in one of those huge wheelchairs and searching for a double wide casket.

So the other morning I’m sweating and panting as I hack away at my toenails. I’m getting teary eyed as I’m ready to say my last good-byes to piggies one through ten. I soon realize, to my delight, that all jammed up in my toe nails is black fuzz from these cheap shit black socks that I bought at some white trash flea market in Jersey. Holy shit, I don’t have diabetes, I actually just have incredibly bad hygiene! Whew, what a relief, tragedy averted once again. This has taught me a valuable lesson, I'm seriously considering starting to brush my teeth again after this close call.