UGSS and my MMA Debut

TAGS: princess leia, jabba the hut, pulcinella, UGSS

As a new writer for EliteFTS I was given an invite out to Dave Tate’s training compound in London, Ohio, to train with the whole EFS crew at this year's UGSS. I drove there from Philly for the Saturday session. I was really looking forward to meeting all the guys and gals in person and it didn’t disappoint. The hugeness of everyone’s body is secondary to the huge personalities that each one of them exhibited. I’m glad to have met and gotten to get to know quite a few of the guys, exchanged tips on different C-PAP machine settings, etc. I'm kind of bummed that I didn’t get to spend more time getting to know some of the others.

Saturday morning came and it was time to train. I knew all the powerlifters would be geared up for some big squats and I wanted to check that out. Being that I’m not a powerlifter, I didn’t train with those guys, so I warmed up to do my own thing on the other side of the gym.

Here is what I did:

  • Front Squats: worked up to a solid single with 385. (It doesn’t sound very heavy but I’m just coming off a broken foot and I’m happy with this.)
  • Deadlifts: worked up to a single with 655.
  • Bent-over Rows: worked up to 405 x 5 x 3, 315 x 12

As I was starting my training, a powerlifter named Lindsey, that couldn’t have weighed more than 95 pounds, was squatting on the rack next to me. We chatted a bit between sets, I helped her out with a spot or two and she was a good lifter for such a tiny girl. We both kind of finished up our training at the same time and were watching and helping out the other guys still lifting. At one point we were standing there and she's telling another guy and I how she trains for MMA. Being the consummate wise-ass that I am, I made an off-handed remark about leaving the MMA to the guys or something like that.

Without me noticing it, this tiny, wirey little girl had walked up behind me and jumped on my back, wrapped her legs around me and applied a rear naked choke on me so freaking tight that I couldn’t believe it. I was so caught off guard that in an instant my wind pipe was being crushed by her boney, yet strong arm, it felt like Matt Kroc had walked up behind me and was choking me with a freaking crowbar. So there I was in arguably the most testosterone-filled, manliest setting on the face of the earth, a 280 pound guy with a 22” neck being choked to my death by a 95 pound girl - and she wasn’t letting go. I quickly weighed my options in my head, nobody was looking, I could either drop this chick like a bad habit and kill her which would make me look like an asshole, OR let her choke me to death in front of everyone thus making me look like a complete vagina. I didn’t have much time left, I could feel myself nearly slipping into the spirit world, so I did the only thing that I could think of to end this quickly and without bloodshed . . . I TAPPED OUT!

Yep, I conceded victory and tapped her on the leg with my hand and she immediately released the death grip allowing me to live. The whole scene was very akin to princess Leia choking Jabba the Hut with that chain except Jabba went down like a man and I tapped out like a little bitch. So my official MMA record is now 0-1 with a stoppage five seconds into the first round.

Looking forward to next year!


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