OK, so it's not the greatest name for a dish, but if your mind went straight to the gutter, that’s on you! This is actually my wife’s recipe, and it’s called Man Soup on account of it being so simple to make that any meathead could do it. It’s a bloat-inducing vegetable soup with a protein option, and it's pretty tasty if I do say so myself.

Here’s what to do:

Grab whatever vegetable you like—you want about five pounds of mostly root vegetables to make three large portions or two huge portions. My wife goes for carrots, leeks, turnips, and split peas, but you can add whatever you want. Get your ingredients together and grate the lot (not the split peas, though!) into a large pot. If you’re extra lazy (bulking) and have a grater on your food processor like I do, you don’t even need to break a sweat. However, if you haven’t done any conditioning today, then do it manually and tell yourself that it’s the same as pushing the Prowler®! Next, add a pint and a half of water and two vegetable stock cubes. Then, let everything simmer for 20 minutes...

Now you have a nice fresh vegetable soup with lots of sodium (from the stock cubes) to make sure you bloat up good.

Now, this is all well and good, but this is where my wife’s recipe stops and where I take over. I add an extra ingredient at this stage: steak.

Take a decent cut of grass-fed steak (I prefer rump as it has the best flavor-to-fat ratio), and cook it hard and quick so that it’s blackened on the outside and rare as hell in the middle. Slice it into thin strips and add it to the soup. You need to go rare since the steak will continue to cook as it sits in the soup, and you don’t want to end up with it as tough as the sole on your Chuck Taylor’s. Now, throw in your strips of steak, season with plenty of black pepper, and eat until you need to unbuckle your belt!