As I sit here at my computer, I am battling a certain EliteFTS employee on his desire to become a Metro-sexual. Yes, the current trend of being an androgynous male has invaded the holy ground of the Compound and it is my job, nay my civic and Holy duty, to prevent this at all costs.

With this disturbing trend hitting the manliest of places, I can only wonder what is going in areas unbeknownst to my senses. Those of you that lift in commercial gyms are probably overrun with these types. So in an effort to help win the war, I’ve come up with a buyer’s guide as well as some helpful suggestions to bring back The Man.

Neck Harness – If you find more than one pair of dress shoes in your friend’s wardrobe, then you need to get him one of these. I don’t care if you weigh 150lbs, if you’ve got a big neck, everyone will think you’re cool. It’s pretty simple, too. Strap some weight to the thing, do a couple of sets everyday and you will have a huge neck.

If you think I’m bullshitting you, do the following. Next time you are at the grocery store, check out the kid that’s bagging your groceries. He’s probably got a few dozen whiteheads and six pubes. Now if that same kid, even with the smock and multi-colored name tag, had a thick neck you’d think twice about asking for double paper instead of good ol’ reliable plastic. As a side note, don’t be that ass that asks for paper instead of plastic. You are slowing everyone down and we hate you. It’s not like you just bought a block of gold; you bought Tuna Helper and some pears.

Here’s the Neck Harness:

Flannel Shirt – Nothing says out-of-style or “Man” like a flannel. I dare you to try to make it fashionable. Go ahead and tuck it in. Or put a suit coat over it. Maybe a tie? It’s a damn flannel and no matter what you do to it, that’s what it will always be. It’s kind of like trying to dress up a dog turd. No matter what you do, it’s still a turd. So if you catch any of your friends actually enjoying “Sex in the City” go buy them a flannel shirt.

Go to JC Penny for the latest filthy flannels.

Carhartt Jacket – Nothing says “ass-kicker” like a Carhartt jacket. Sure you can go with Dickies or maybe a motorcycle-style leather jacket, but we all know that Carhartt rules supreme. If you find your friend purposely buying a car instead of a truck (i.e. he has the money, but not the desire), than get him one of these.

Copenhagen/Kodiak – I don’t know if I’m going to step in muddy water here, but at this point, all you tight ass lawyer-types can kiss my ass. Yes, it’s not good for you. Yes, it can cause cancer. But what about the cancer that is metro-sexuality? What about the decline of testosterone in America today? I love my Kodiak, but will always view Copenhagen as a suitable alternative. Those wishing to debate this topic can save their breath. If you are going to fight me about how great Cope is, I don’t want to hear it. Mostly because that would make you a consumer of Copenhagen and thus your breath is akin to a week old bratwurst sitting in a dirty ashtray.

Can be found anywhere Corn Nuts are sold.

Levi’s – If I’m in the market for a new pair of jeans, it’s always a real headache trying to find my way through the various designer denim displays (is there such a thing?) and get to the Levi’s section. Now, my only complaint with Levi’s is that they gotten a bit mainstream with their fashion, but I know it’s only a ploy. Here’s how it works. In order for them to still make their old jeans, the way God intended them to be, they have to cater to the masses. They take the money from the “confirmed-bachelor” funds to help keep their ManJeans line full operational. I do NOT want to hear the crap of “Well, my thighs are so big, but my waist is so small so I have to custom buy my jeans from Austria.” Or some other kind of logic that allows you to sleep at night despite knowing that some dirty Euro has had his fingers all of your ass-pockets and probably wore some kind of beret while sewing his precious stitches. If you truly have this problem, than start eating more and do some weighted sit-ups. Sure girls dig Brad Pitt, but it’s not because of his body. It’s because the son of a bitch has money and had some initiative in his life to be successful.

Mexico – This option is a last ditch effort to stop your friend from referring to drapes/curtains as “window treatments”. If you’ve tried all of the above and he still feels as if the Ford Focus is a viable transportation option, then have a sit down with every one of his friends and start gathering money. Find a cheap flight and one-year lodging in a cheap hotel or apartment in a border town in Mexico. Good choices would include Nogales or Tijuana. Have him pack all the essentials (power belt, squat suit/briefs, bench shirts, some shirts and shorts) and a copy of the book Anabolics 2004. Give him a stern lecture about his plummeting testosterone levels and instill the philosophy, “When in Rome…” This should be done in case he has any legal hesitations. Slap him on his atrophied upper back and send him on his way. Demand 25lbs. of muscle when you see him next. Monthly visits should occur to check progress and alleviate unexpected scar tissue. I haven’t come out and said “it” but I think we all know what SHOULD happen. While visiting, see if you can find the mythic “Donkey Girl” that everyone talks about yet nobody sees. Those that have heard the stories, let the uninitiated in on the perverted act that is the Donkey Girl.

Check your local travel agent for more details.

So if you have a friend, relative or lifting partner that has been caught in the estrogen-web of Metro-sexuality, take the above steps to thwart this god-awful phenomenon. If you are successful treat yourself to a “Me-Day” by sleeping until noon, eating two or three pizzas and going to the local flesh parade.