I had the opportunity to speak with God the other day. I had a little downtime and I decided to ask him some questions—important questions—that I have had on my mind for a very long time. I know there are people dying who need his attention, too, and I know that somewhere there is a sports team that needs his support, but I just had to ask him these questions. My questions for God:
1. Why does healthy food taste so bad and shitty food (oops, my bad, God) taste so good?
You could have made quinoa bad for us and waffles good for us but noooo. Scallops by themselves are “meh” but if you wrap them in bacon—AWESOME. Not one low-fat protein source tastes good. What gives?
2. Do you like Phil Heath better than you like me?
I only ask because I have trained for almost 40 years, and he has only trained for 20 years. He has all of those Olympia wins, and I haven’t won even one of them, yet. Does he pray more than I do? Does being a good person count for anything? I mean, I know I will live on high for eternity but what about a pro card? Throw me a bone?
3. Why wouldn’t you just have made it so that the longer you work out and the more often you work out, the bigger you get?
This “balance” thing about recovery and not over-training is a lot more complicated than it should be, don’t ya think?
4. Same question for dieting: You could have made a system where the less you eat, the more ripped you get.
The more you eat, the HYUGER you get. And why the long process of getting HYUGE or ripped? Four months could have easily been two weeks. You are, after all, all-powerful and omnipotent. I doubt anyone was looking over your shoulder questioning what you were doing while planning all of this. Let’s not forget you created a lot of shit in seven days. Your bone-throwing needs some work, but I don’t want to sound too critical. I’m just asking questions, not looking to burn in hell for eternity.
5. Why do good people in this industry die so young?
There are plenty of shit-bags that you could have taken before Matt Porter, Andy Haman, or John Meadows. Ok, you did take ONE but that doesn’t exactly even the score. I’ve got a list if you are interested. Text me.
6. You probably don’t agree, but I think that people who are using equipment that I want to use, should burn in hell.
I don’t mean right now, but after they die from whatever it is you give them, or kill them with, or whatever it is that you do (you work in mysterious ways, so I don’t really know).
7. Can you let my cats live longer than me?
Scratch that. You might have a weird sense of humor, so I don’t want to die tomorrow. Instead, can you let my cats live forever?
8. Going back to your weird sense of humor, why do so many people with great physiques have such ugly faces?
Did you do that on purpose to make both men and women go, “I don’t know; I want to but… I don’t know if I can do it.”
9. Did you have to make the rule that our hormones decline as we age but when we try to add those hormones back in, that also kills us over time?
Do you have a cap on how many people can be alive at once? I don’t understand this one.
10. Making sugar taste so good and then making it cause diabetes is just mean.
You could very easily have made sugar healthy and made trans-fats taste horrible. I guess that was a statement and not a question. My apologies.
I know there is a lot going on in the world right now, God, and you’re busy answering all of these prayers from people wanting baseball to start (thank you, by the way), the war in Ukraine, Tom Brady fans, and I am quite sure that starving children in third-world countries are asking for food. I’m just asking you to answer these ten questions for me when you get the time. I think this should rank pretty high on your list compared to the aforementioned items. Hopefully, sooner than later.
Be cool, bro.
Ken “Skip” Hill has been involved in the sport of bodybuilding for almost forty years and competing for twenty-plus years. Born and raised in Michigan, he spent 21 years calling Colorado home with his wife and their four children. Four years ago, he and his wife traded the mountains for the beach, relocating to South Florida. His primary focus is nutrition and supplementation, but he is called upon for his years of training experience, as well. He started doing online contest prep in 2001 and is considered one of the original contest prep guys (when the bodybuilding message boards were still in their infancy). Skip’s track record with competitive bodybuilders is well-respected, and he also does sport-specific conditioning, including professional athletes.