Weaker Than my Wife: Gym Idiots

TAGS: Kathy Johnson, Marshall Johnson, humor, commercial gym

This will be the first installment (of manyI am sure) about what I see at the gym when I train at the local joints.

Usually just one moron in the gym isn't quite enough to distract me when I am training, but tonight the frickin' dolt train derailed just outside the gym. It's like Jersey Shore and The Challenge (that pathetic show with all the MTV reality show participants) were taken off the air and these people had nothing to do.

Idiots One and Two:

It's always hard to ignore a pair of simps training together in the gym.


Idiot One: Nut-high army running shorts, child's size green army of one shirt with the back of it reading "Brutal Aggression."

Idiot Two: Mostly normal gym apparel except for the generic "I'm a badass because I did some run/mud run/biking event."

The Breakdown:

Bench: Both worked up to a staggering 85 pounds... that's two tens on each side. Grunting, spitting, struggling, and with their asses four feet in the air, one arm locked and the other still in the hole... For gnarly sets of three.

Weighted Pull-Ups: These guys couldn't bench press a Pomeranian, so what makes them think they can do pull-ups, let alone weight pull ups?! No warmup, just right to the weight belt with a 45 pounds hanging from it. Idiot one surprised me by doing two reps with his forehead just barely breaking even with the bar. Idiot two was AMAZING! His reps consisted of this: standing on a platform and then jumping from said platform while Idiot One clutches his hips and pushes him up. He then falls back down to the platform and repeats. So... it was a weighted jump push assisted pull-up plummet. But were they done? Certainly not. They worked up to two 45-pound plates and a 25-pound plate. Then, they ended with the only pull-ups they could possibly do: the CrossFit croppy flop convulsion pull-ups, or kip ups. I was at a loss after watching these two.

Idiot Three


Gym shorts and a see-through wife beater that clearly fit him 30 pounds ago. Oh, and stylish black lifting gloves. This guy looked to be about 240 pounds of chewed bubble gum. He had a good two inches of gut hanging out of the bottom of his tank while he was just standing; however, when he laid down on the bench... full belly button exposure.


Pretty much the best part of this dude was his apparel. Yet, his bench did up Idiots One and Two. He was able to work up to a jiggling 105 pounds—that's three 10-pound plates on each side. Plus, he worked up to four reps. I thought the sheer friction of his belly shaking from side to side against his shirt would ignite it.

At so many points during my work out did I want to walk up to these guys and tell them that my wife could bunch a hundred pounds more than them. Not in a shirt, but raw. (My wife has benched 225 pounds raw). There is no reason why a grown ass man can't bench 100 pounds.

Well, that's it for now. Until next time... Stay Classy elitefts™.

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