If you recall from a few months ago, I had a debacle where I locked my keys in my car while leaving the gym then my phone died. The lady whose door I knocked on wouldn’t let use her phone to call for assistance because, i don’t know, she is a dick. Apparently this is the motto of the town  of London- “Be A Dick”.

Anyway today I was leaving the gym (editor's note: I wrote this the day it happened but am posting it late so just go with my present tense writing) and it is snowing quite robustly and as I am driving slowly on a side road, I spin out. Usually my car will fish tail on ice and I can figure it out but all control was lost and I went through 3 yards (unit of house grass, not unit of measurement) and somehow managed to avoid hitting 3 trees and a mailbox. I come to rest in yard 3 and I get out assess the damage and figure out what the fuck happened. Somehow after this unbridled and uncontrolled joyride my car took, the only thing I did was knock over a planter. I was so relieved that I ended up not hitting anything and I’m sure the worst is over.

BUT ALAS. I’m heading to the house to let the residents know that their planter is tipped over (and somehow did not have a crack) and this lady comes out and starts SCREAMING at me that I should “get out of her fucking driveway” and I tell her that I spun out in her yard and she told me that I no I didn't because I was “on the other side of the road” and that I am “fucking crazy” and that she’s calling the cops. I don't know maybe I am in Avatar and I am just imagining this inclement weather and ice and she is not in Avatar and can see it is not snowing but we can’t communicate this to each other. So I get back into my car before she pulls a gun out of her mumu. Also when you lose control of your vehicle you can totally control what side of the road it goes to next. OK KAREN. BTW her name is not Karen but if you have any part in internet culture that is the general name given to asshole ladies with short hair who scream for no reason. So is Brenda.

So I pull out of their yard since i was just instructed to so I could take my vehicle out to the street and wait for the po po. Mr. Karen comes out to yell at me some more and tell me that he’s a retired deputy sheriff and that he called the police and I better not go anywhere and I said “OH DON’T WORRY I’M FINE THANKS FOR ASKING” and he informed me that I didn’t hit anything that would have caused injury to me YEAH BUT LET’S MAKE SURE THE FLOWER POT IS OK.

So I sit on the side of the road and wait for the po po to come which takes an hour and a half because they are tending to people who got in ACTUAL ACCIDENTS. And I am on a semi crowded road where people will probably hit me because of this SNOW and the drive home will be worse because of the SNOW. A lot of people stopped to see if I was ok and commiserate about the road conditions SO I GUESS I’M NOT IN AVATAR AND YOU ARE THE ONE IN AVATAR BRENDA. Also her name is not Brenda before she tries to sue me for libel. I have no idea what her name is. It probably rhymes with itch or punt or masshole or Beytiri (authors note: that rhymes with the name of one of the characters in Avatar I don’t expect anyone to get that and I had to look it up so I figured i would just fill you in so you can go ‘haha that was a good one’).

The sheriff that arrived on the scene of this horrendous flower pot murder tells me that they can't write up a report because there was not enough damage (BUT WHAT ABOUT THE FLOWER POT TIPPING BRENDA) and that we should exchange insurance information WHICH WE COULD HAVE DONE AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO WITHOUT HIM. I asked him to mediate because these people were fucking crazy. So he goes over and talks to Mr. Brenda and comes back and tells me that the wife is irate and that I should tell Mr. Brenda that I want to “make things right” and exchange info. OK WELL FUCK THAT. Needless to say I did offer up any condolences to the flower pot (herein named Brenda Jr.) but I did pull up my insurance info for Man Brenda.

During this time he is asking the sheriff if he knows so and so and asking him how these new cars and GPS are and telling him about how in his day they had this or the other shittier version and I’m trying so hard not to roll my fucking eyes at this guy. Were you just fucking lonely at home and needed someone to talk to so you called the cops? He also informed the sheriff that they had someone sneak onto their property once to try and steal things so whenever anything happens they always just call the cops to make sure things “get done right”. WHAT SO WE COULD WAIT FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF TO DO SOMETHING WE COULD HAVE DONE ON OUR OWN? ALSO IF I’M TRYING TO SNEAK ONTO YOUR PROPERTY I’M DOING A SHITTY JOB OF THAT BY TAKING AN UNCONTROLLED CRASH LANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF YOUR LAWN AT 3PM ON A SUNDAY.  WHAT DO YOU THINK I HAVE ILLEGAL MUSLINS IN MY TRUNK READY TO POP OUT AND STEAL YOUR AMERICAN FLAG AND BARN STARS AND CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS THAT ARE STILL OUT BECAUSE YOU SEEM LIKE THAT KIND OF FUCKING PERSON.


Anyway I guess now I have to tell my insurance that a flower pot succumbed to the laws of gravity.


OH ALSO during this time I had to pee and take my dog out.


Anyway this has been a synopsis of “Avatar 2: London’t”