I was the last one to leave the gym so I locked up, go to my car, and toss all my stuff in the trunk.


Including my keys. Btw my car won’t lock if my keys are in them but THE TRUNK SURE AS FUCK WILL.

My phone is on 10% and as I am googling the London police so they can come let me into my car MY PHONE DIES.

I always wondered what would happen if I ended up being the last person at the gym and locked my keys and my phone in the gym or something of that semi-dire nature. NOW I KNOW.

I really had no idea what to do since it is the COUNTRY. There is no town that is close to walk into to find an open store to ask for assistance. Do I find a horse to ride into the next populated area? Sleep in a silo until morn comes? Shoot a pew pew into the sky to call the local sheriff or draw the attention of a band of roving outlaws?

So I walk out to the road since that seems like my only course of action. It is dark as fuck. Since it is THE COUNTRY. I try and flag down a car or two but they can’t see me since there is no city light pollution. Damn you, lack of population. I decide to knock on some doors to see if one of these nice country folk will let me use their phone to call for help. The first door I knock on, a lady answers and I explain the situation to her and ask if I can use her phone and she says NO. WHAT THE FUCK. Won’t even call for me. Turns me away to be eaten by the wolves.

Maybe she turned me away because she could see my jew horns? We will never know.

I knock on a few other doors but no one answered.

There is a Baptist church on the road and since I watch Father Brown and Midsommer Murders, I know that churches frequently leave their doors unlocked since they think the best of people. Or that Jesus will protect their property by slapping an intruder in the face with his sandals. One of the two.

Well lo and behold, the church door was unlocked. Thank you 8 lb 6 oz newborn baby Jesus.

I poked through their rooms in the hopes that they had a phone charger or a landline. At this point, I was hoping someone would see the lights on and call the fucking cops so I would have some human interaction.

Anyway they didn’t have a landline or charger but they did have a sweet desktop computer that I booted up and thankfully it was not password protected (baptistsrock? Probably would not have taken too long to guess anyway). I figured I would log onto this sweet rural high speed internet (there are signs for rural internet all over London so I can only assume this is what everyone has) and get into my email or facebook and send someone a message asking them to call the cops for me. Problem solved.


I turned on two factor authentication for all my accounts in case the damn ruskies want to get into my shit. Needless to say they don’t and the only person that wants to hack my accounts is me when I am stuck in a Baptist church in London, Ohio at 10pm. So now I couldn’t get on those since the passcodes were sent to my DEAD PHONE.


I could get onto Instagram. Which is fairly useless on a browser. I couldn’t send messages so all I could do was frantically comment on posts in the hopes that someone would take heed of my predicament.

I commented on 1) Dave’s posts since he had just posted something and he knew that I was locked out of my car and 2) Anthony’s posts because he is a good social media-er.

Instagram on a browser apparently doesn’t notify you of… notifications. So I went back on Dave’s post to see if he responded to my VERY CLEAR comments about the situation and my request for him to call the cops. AND HE DELETED THEM.


Thankfully Anthony didn’t want me to have to sleep in a church and subsist on shitty lifesaver mints and hershey’s kisses and called the cops who showed up shortly thereafter.

So I get in my car and plug my phone in and get a text from Dave that says “did you get in your car? I saw your comments on my IG and deleted them LOL”.



After I spent the whole next training session admonishing Dave for LEAVING ME TO WITHER AWAY ON A COLD CHURCH PEW it ends up he thought someone was in the church and I was just commenting on his Instagram instead of messaging by accident (??? YEAH OK WHATEVER).

Anyway the next day I called the church and left a message explaining the situation and letting them know that I didn’t steal anything and thank you for letting me use the computer and sorry I was still logged into Instagram with a jewish username. I received a very nice voicemail from the pastor later that day addressing the “lady that was in distress last night” and saying he was glad that everything worked out and that the door was unlocked (since it usually isn’t!) and that I could call him back if I wanted to but he hoped everything was ok. What a mensch!

I was considering sending that lady who didn’t let me use her phone a bag of dicks (google it. there are a lot of options to choose from) but the message from the pastor was so nice I would feel remiss being a total shithead in return. I might send her a card telling her that she will probably be going to hell though. That seems to be a good selling point in the country.

I’m also wondering if those snacks I ate at the church were communion wafers so I might be Baptist now but I guess I owe them one so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯