Holiday Weight Gain

Every other magazine and health website you see writes these articles preaching all the ways you can get through the holidays without packing on more pounds. What, are we a country of little girl figure skaters? F*ck that, the holiday season is the PERFECT time to go balls to the wall and become large and dominate life.

  1. Free food is in abundance! Between the office parties, family gatherings and those cookies that keep showing up at work, you have the opportunity to stuff another 5,000 extra calories into your muscles a day at a price of...on "da house."
  2. It's winter, who the hell is going to see that you got a little fatter? Your wife? Yeah so, what is she going to do? Leave you? Of course not, she doesn’t want everyone to think she's a shallow b*$ch.
  3. All the stores are stocked with eggnog. I have no idea what's in eggnog, but it has so many calories that you just feel bigger after you drink it. I like to go with a quart a day per every hundred pounds of bodyweight I currently weigh.
  4. People are always wracking their brains trying to find just the right gift for you. Make it easy on them and ask them to get you a thousand-dollar gift card to Wendy’s. That ought to be good for at least few hundred triple Baconators.
  5. Santa is fat, and everyone just looooves Santa.
  6. Bears gain a nice layer of “healthy” fat to get ready for winter and then sleep for three months. Man, that’s like my dream life!
  7. Night sweats save on heating bills.
  8. Neck rolls make an ideal hiding place for any stocking stuffer.
  9. You’ll be so huge that nobody will be able to find any bad 4XL sweaters in your size to give you.
  10. Your wife won’t make you go shopping with her at the mall because all the walking gets you too winded and your loud wheezing embarrasses her.