“What if no one likes you?”
“What if you can’t get this done?”
“What if everything goes wrong?”
Depression is never far from Anxiety, as the two are joined at the hip like conjoined twins. Depression’s head is farther away from my ear than Anxiety. It’s quieter and most of the time, less noticeable, but it’s equally, if not more, dangerous than its sibling.
The relationship is simultaneously symbiotic and parasitic. Anxiety feeds off of my fears and doubts as it lists off every single “what-if” it can come up with. It gorges itself on every single vulnerability I have, digging deeper at each chink in what little armor I have, and keeps making me question everything I know or thought I knew and worry until there’s a big enough gap for its sibling to get its fill.
At least Depression is kind enough to numb me as it drains my energy, my willpower, my strength, without saying much at all. Nothing I do will make a difference in the world. Nothing matters anymore. I am nothing. If I am nothing, then why not do just exactly that? Nothing.
Anxiety has other ideas. Even if I am truly nothing, that doesn’t stop it from bombarding me with reminders that I have a thousand things to do and not enough time to do them. But Depression holds me hostage, and that's when it decides that now it is the time to speak.
Most people might think Depression’s voice is deep and guttural. It’s not. It has the sweetest, gentlest voice I’ve ever heard.
That’s why it’s so dangerous. It tells you, persuades you — coaxes you, even, to stay where you are, to do nothing, that nobody will miss you, that nobody loves you, and nobody needs you. Depression speaks so softly and with so much love, you can’t help but believe it.
Then Anxiety adds some more evidence of what Depression says to the mix: “Remember that one time at work when you missed some edits and you got a harsh email from your boss reprimanding you for your mistakes? Depression might be right about that one.”
And Anxiety doesn’t stop there. It never shuts up, especially when you’re at your lowest, and the worst part is that Anxiety never goes away. Neither does Depression. They can never be silenced.
This is the most difficult part of having a mental illness. Knowing that there’s no escape from the pain while you’re still alive. It will never go away in full. Never. There is no cure; instead, there are only means to make life more bearable.
I consider myself one of the lucky ones. I’m lucky I was diagnosed with anxiety at eight years old and depression at 10, I’ve had time to learn coping skills that many people my age are now just learning to deal with. I’m lucky that my parents could afford my medication and therapist and psychiatrist visits. I’m lucky to be alive, even though there are times I don’t want to be, though they are few and far in-between.
WATCH: Joe Sullivan Rants — Go to Therapy!
Anxiety and Depression are still perched on my shoulder, but their grip on me isn’t as strong as it used to be, thanks to medication, therapists and psychiatrists, and a supportive circle of friends.
I invite readers to share their stories, how they see their struggles with anything from anxiety to OCD to bipolar disorder, and how they’ve coped or are learning to cope. Send me those stories at sschulte@elitefts.net or drop a comment below.
Header image courtesy of Tithi Luadthong © 123rf.com
If you or a loved one needs help, reach out to these resources. All hotlines listed below are available 24/7 and are confidential unless otherwise noted. In case of an emergency, call your local authorities.
- The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (U.S.): 1-800-273-8255
- Crisis Text Line (U.S.): Text "START" to 741741
- National Domestic Violence Hotline (U.S.): 1-800-799-7233
- Veterans Crisis Line (U.S.): 1-800-273-8255, press 1
- Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network/RAINN (U.S.): 1-800-656-4673
- The Trevor Project (U.S. crisis intervention for LGBTQ+ youth): 1-866-488-7386, text "START" to 678678, or instant message a counselor at thetrevorproject.org/get-help-
now - TWLOHA (U.S.): Text "TWLOHA" to 741741
- Free online chat-counseling and therapy from trained volunteers (international): 7cups.com
- International lists of suicide hotlines and resources: suicide.org/international-
suicide-hotlines.html and twlo ha.com/find-help/ international-resources
The people who tell you to not take medication and therapy are doing you no favors. You may care about them, but what they're telling you is not something a caring friend says. I've dealt with people who I cared and trusted. These were "friends" who told me to control my anxiety whenever it inconvenienced them. Thing is, I can't control it. I do what I can and take the necessary steps to cope with it, but if I have an anxiety attack... I have an anxiety attack. I ended up cutting those people out of my life, and I am in a better place for it and am now around better people who care and support me.
I highly encourage you to see a therapist and psychiatrist. Also, on that note, it is a journey to find the right medication for you. If the first thing the psychiatrist suggests doesn't work right away, give it time. Follow their instructions to a T. If it doesn't work, don't stop taking it right away; you may make yourself worse if you go cold turkey. There's a process of weaning you off of it and trying to find the right dose, so on and so forth.
It takes time to get to where you need to be, and it is never, ever too late to start the journey to get there.
Creatives don't get a break. We want to make beautiful things but the price is high for the privilege. Depression and anxiety run rampant among us.
I first went to therapy in my mid-teens on the urging (more like, requirement) from my mother. I have no qualms about seeking talk therapy or meds. I know the benefits of both.
Persistent anxiety attacks didn't happen until I had back surgery in my late 30s. I had difficulty breathing during recovery and I had my first serious anxiety attack at the hospital while struggling to breathe. Going forward, I had daily anxiety attacks that slowly worsened. Sometimes I only had one, other days I had a half dozen.
Accompanying them later were panic attacks that robbed me of sleep for the next two years, culminating in a night of only two hours of uninterrupted sleep before I had massive back to back panic attacks the next day. Self harm became an option and I knew things had to change.
I sought help from a therapist who turned out to be a miracle worker. Her steady manner and comforting advice, along with more than a few Xanax and months of Zoloft, slowly got me better. The depression hung on and required years of on and off again SSRI support. Later, I was diagnosed with PTSD and OCD. Thankfully those both responded to meds and therapy.
I've had stretches where I was fine. I didn't need an SSRI or therapy but I've always had a Xanax nearby for 18 years straight. I can reach one right now if needed. OCD thought patterns are addressed immediately and are now easy to stop.
Recently and out of the blue, I had a spate of low grade panic attacks. I had not had one for nearly 9 years and then I had more than a dozen within a three week period. I knew that meds would be required and I went back on an SSRI that had proven effective for me and addressing panic attacks. The attacks were stopped cold once the meds started and I’ve had none since.
I have been lucky in that social anxiety for me has not been debilitating. Although I struggle when people chastise me or point out my mistakes, most of the time those are short lived upsets but I fully understand how awful anxieties due to those situations can be.
Lately, I've found myself becoming very aware of when I can deal with social settings and when I cannot. It's like an actual switch goes off inside my head and don't want to be in a room of people. Other times people might think I was a self help speaker easily able to talk to crowds of thousands. There is very little in between ground for me but at least I know myself well enough to corral the thoughts and deal with them as much as I can. Again, appearances mean nothing when it comes to anxiety, depression and other mental illnesses. The smiles we have all too often mask our thoughts.
Anxieties generally lessen as you get older and you notch a few wins. You become aware of your worth and impact and the nagging voices lose their power. Your practice pays off and you get the confidence needed to keep moving forward, mistakes or not.
I hope you find the same thing happens for you. Self doubt never fully goes away but you end up being its boss more often than not. You’re going to get through this even when you think you won’t.
Having anxiety AND depression is a double-edged sword because you WANT to get up and get stuff done, and it doesn't help when anxiety is freaking out about getting all that stuff done, but then throw in depression that drags you down and makes it near impossible to get out of bed some mornings... it's a vicious cycle.
I definitely have social anxiety and if I remember correctly, I was diagnosed with agoraphobia on top of a generalized anxiety disorder. I've never been the stereotypical agoraphobic that never goes outside, but when I've had an anxiety attack, I flee to the bathroom or some other place where I can lock myself away from people and try to calm down. Large group situations can be too much to handle. In some ways, it's gotten bad enough that it shows at family gatherings. I remember attending my sister's graduation party with my best friend, and we went to wherever the fewest people were around.
And man, when someone corrects you for making a mistake, it can make or break your entire day. That was the case for the incident Anxiety mentions in this article. One email from someone chewing me out for missing a couple of errors in an article (without even informing me what the mistakes were) ended up with me missing more mistakes for the rest of that day. I keep reminding myself that I will make mistakes as an editor because no editor is perfect and that I am in a sometimes thankless line of work. People rarely recognize what editors do right — it's only when we miss a mistake that people pay attention to what we do.
I sure hope that my anxiety lessens, as I'd say for me, people can tell there's something off. My anxiety manifests itself more in how I talk than anything else, which is why I always feel better writing than speaking out loud. I've written scripts for myself when making certain phone calls, and the moment I go off script... yikes.
Thank you for sharing, and we'll keep pushing forward, one step at a time.
Society puts this pressure on men to be "tough" and "strong" and in doing so, they should suppress their emotions, but that pressure is toxic. It's dangerous. It's why suicide rates for men are so high right now. Don't become a statistic and additional evidence that this definition of manliness is unhealthy. You almost became that statistic, but you didn't. Thing is, you have a chance to teach others that narrative is unhealthy. Change that narrative.
There is nothing weak about crying, and with all due respect, anyone who gives you grief over it can go fuck themselves. I'll share with you a quote from Redwall, one of my favorite childhood books/TV shows. It's about mice fighting vermin in a medieval fantasy setting, so there's a lot of violence, bloodshed, and loss; but there are also some beautiful moments like this one, in which the fieldmouse Cornflower catches the main character, Matthias, crying after he confronted an evil rat that threatened violence upon those he cares about:
“Even the strongest and bravest must sometimes weep. It shows they have a great heart, one that can feel compassion for others. You are brave, Matthias. Already you have done great things for one so young. I am only a simple country-bred fieldmouse, but even I can see the courage and leadership in you. A burning brand shows the way, and each day your flame grows brighter. There is none like you, Matthias. You have the sign of greatness upon you. One day Redwall and all the land will be indebted to you. Matthias, you are a true Warrior.”
Cornflower is absolutely correct. Everyone, even the strongest and bravest, must weep. It shows that they love and care for others. Emotions are not a sign of weakness. Crying is not a sign of weakness. I urge you to flip off society's message to young men about what it means to be "manly" and know that toughness is not always the answer; neither is suppressing your emotions. Sensitivity, kindness, compassion... these are the traits that make "real men." Knowing when to seek out help and get that help is something that truly strong men do.
Again, I highly urge you to see a therapist or counselor. No one should have to feel the way you do, and I know from personal experience that talking to someone who's an unbiased third party who's pretty much sworn to secrecy (unless they believe you're going to harm yourself or others) can make a world of difference.