Basically, everything you eat or drink is bad for you. That might seem like an overstatement, but if you read any nutrition information on social media, that statement is absolutely correct. OK, maybe not everything but almost everything. Take the cucumber. Though I thought this food was basically devoid of nutrition and predominantly water, apparently it can cure 85 diseases in 21 days or less. Don’t laugh—I saw the meme with my own two eyes.

Pretty much anything that I thought I knew about nutrition has been debunked, usually by middle-aged, soccer mom bloggers who somehow manage massive amounts of research and practical application of nutrition protocols in between play dates, naps and timeouts. Honestly, I don’t know what the hell some of us are thinking because apparently building muscle is all we care about. It is only a matter of time before we are all riddled with cancer or producing three-legged, mentally-challenged offspring. (Notice that I said “challenged” instead of “retarded.” I'm getting more sensitive in my old age.)

If cucumbers cure that many diseases in only 21 days, I'm going to eat and drink what I want and, if I'm diagnosed with something, I'll just slam a cucumber. Clearly, I have this all figured out, but for those of you who don’t, here are some social media nutrition points that you might want to make note of (if cucumbers are in short supply in your area).

GMO foods will kill you. There isn't any maybe or “in between” on this one. They will kill you and they might even produce one of “those” kids I was talking about above. I get that we used to be afraid of McDonald's, lactose and high-fructose corn syrup, but seriously, those won’t kill you. They changed their minds—these will kill you. Don't eat them and don't feed them to your kids. Non-GMO candy? This is serious mom water diet 120814

Water is bad for you; don't drink it. Tap water has over 100 chemicals in it, but fluoride and chlorine are the only two that get any real attention. Kids have had their teeth treated with fluoride for quite a while and this has been directly linked to both juvenile and adult crime rates, especially school shootings. Do you know how many school shootings happened prior to fluoride treatments for children’s teeth? Zero.

Chlorine in water is probably even worse than fluoride even though it is in tiny amounts meant to kill bacteria so that we don’t get sick. Pool water is 1000 times more concentrated with chlorine, and even though we didn’t die as kids after gulping a big mouthful of pool water (and watered down kid piss), drinking tap water is completely different. I'm not sure how, just is. It has to be or it wouldn’t kill you or cause cancer.

Gluten—enough said. Anything wheat related will cause diarrhea, bloating, distention, farts and I think I heard dementia, but I'll have to check on that one. How you have farts and diarrhea at the same time is beyond me, but the simple threat of having both is enough to scare the...oh, forget it. It just scares me.

Diet soda makes you fat. OK, this one might not kill you, but if you're fat, you might as well be dead, especially if you're a figure girl (I can only imagine the powerlifter hate male this one will generate—and no, I didn’t spell 'male' incorrectly). Apparently, the brain isn't fooled into thinking it is satiated from a diet soda and treats the sweetener the same as sugar. I understand that there are roughly five calories per serving and getting fat off of five calories defies logic, but who am I to argue with a fat soccer mom? If she says that is why she is fat, I'm taking her word fat it. Oops, “for” it. Freudian. My bad.

Do not eat nuts (insert numerous inappropriate jokes here). Nuts have phytoestrogens and we all know that those cause titties. At the same time, I haven't yet seen titties on vegan guys who weigh 105 pounds despite the large amounts of tofu (soybeans) they eat (which happens to be ridiculously high in phytoestrogens, aka titty fuel), but nuts apparently aren't a good idea. Plus, Omega 6s are so last year anyway. Anyone who is anybody these days knows that Omega 3s are what’s happening. Eat fish for your Omega 3s?

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If you eat fish, it can only be from Alaska. Everything else is poisonous. Farm-raised? Instant death. You might just go with food still on your plate. Dr. Mercola says that all farm-raised salmon have a virus. I think it was Ebola, but I can’t recall. I would check, but why? Dr. Mercola says so and that is all I need to share a meme with his name on it.

Wine makes you healthier and helps boost your metabolism. Weird because I always thought that abstaining from alcohol and excess calories was a good thing, even though no one can agree on whether they should be treated as fat or carb calories. So we give them a completely different calorie count and then lie on beer bottles so that it can appear that a beer is lower in calories than it actually is. But I digress. Who knew that drinking empty calories could be so beneficial? Just to recap, diet soda is bad. Alcohol is good.

I think vegetables that you grow in your own yard are safe. I think coconut oil and palm oil are safe, though it should be noted that twenty or so years ago, back when saturated fat was known to kill you, these were once killers as well. Grass-fed meat is healthy as long as there are no antibiotics or steroids used on the animals because clearly bodybuilders and powerlifters do not want to ingest nasty steroids. Ewww (said in Jimmy Fallon’s voice for added effect). Oh and don’t forget the wine, lots of red wine.

Vegetables, grass-fed meat, coconut and palm oil and red wine—my new diet. I should be growing in no time and hopefully ripped as well. If not, at least I'll be healthy as a middle-aged soccer mom with rotten kids so I'll call it the soccer mom diet. If this diet doesn’t work, I'll have cucumbers on hand just in case. You can never have too many cucumbers on hand. Just ask a soccer mom. Just sayin’.