[Disclaimer: Parts of this document may be offensive to some. Read with caution and remember views expressed by writers may not be those of elitefts.com]
Summer time at the Compound is usually a very slow time for us. This gives us extra time for reflection and conversation. As with most slow days the conversation usually turns a huge ranting session that may go on for hours. Most of these discussions end with Jim or I leaving the Compound to cool off for an hour or so. I can’t count the number of times I have had to leave and drive around the countryside for a couple hours in total disbelief. Today I decided to stay and write about some of the topics that were discussed.
Topic #1: Dynamic Training
The other day we had a lifter call in who was ripping on a junior high school football coach. This coach was also working as a strength coach for his son’s team. This lifter was pissed off that this coach did not have his son doing dynamic training as part of the off season training program. The basic program his son was doing was comprised of the squat, clean, bench press, chin-ups, lunges and other basic training movements.
The lifter went on to say that this coach did not have a clue about strength training and should have no business training football players and would be far better off if they were spending more time doing board presses, pin lockouts, good morning and other pure strength movements.
We asked this lift how many years of experience his son had training with weights. He informed us that he had him begin training last year and that he felt his son was beyond a basic strength program because of his experience. He knew his son was far stronger than everyone else on the team but when we probed further we discovered that his was also upset because his son was not a starter for the team and felt that he should be on the first team because he is much stronger that the rest of the players.
We let the lifter rant for about 10 more minutes and then decided it was time for a reality check with his. We can’t count the number of times we have found ourselves in this position. Since this lifter has been a great customer we were caught between a rock and a hard place. Do we risk pissing him off with a reality check or do we play along and agree with what he was saying. Since we hold honesty as a very high value here at EFS we had no other choice. This lifter was just about ready for a quick education. So we began to fire out some questions to him.
So you feel your son is an advanced lifter after only one year of training and at 13 years of age?
So you feel it is better to use advanced principles without a base level of strength?
Since your son is the strongest player on the team he would then be the best player on the team?
There were a few other questions we fired out to him but you know where we are going here. While this junior high school coach may not be the best strength coach in the world he is doing the right things. He has the team on a very well grounded basic program that will help the team get introduced to weight training as well as get stronger. At this age there is nothing wrong with basic foundation weight training. Jim and I conducted a survey early last year and asked every Elite power lifters we could find “What was the first program you ever used?” We had an idea what the response would be but found it very interesting that the response was very close to the same for every one of them. They all started with a basic program composed of squats, bench press, curls, rows, dead lifts and other basic movements for 3 sets of 10 reps performed 2 to 3 times per week. This general style of training seemed to work well enough to set and develop the base for them all to become advanced lifters and in many cases world record holders.
We went on to let this lifter know that dynamic training is a very effective method of training but the development of base strength has to come first and there is no way around it. At this young age muscle development and technique are the most important variable when it comes to strength training.
The next issue we pointed out was because his son is the strongest on the team then the reason he is not playing can be due to a few other factors. First, it does not help that he thinks the coach sucks and if the coach knows this or he had told the coach so then he is not doing his son any favors at all. As a parent you have to let the coach do his or her job and stay the hell out of the way. Better yet, offer your help and if accepted work within the program as the coach sees fit. Second, we let him know that his son may need work on his specific football skills and he should ask the coach what skills need work and then work with his son on these specific aspects. It does not matter how strong your son is if his skills are not up to par or he does not know the plays.
Topic #2: Coaches who do not train
Over the years I have had to seek professional help (I know you all would like that one) for several items associated with EFS. First I wanted to find a business consultant to help me with the structure and development of EFS. Consultants in this arena do not come cheap and I interviewed many companies before I decided to go with the company I have been with for the past few years. The one question I wanted to know was “Do you have or do you currently have your own small business?” I would never seek advice from someone who did not have experience with the same issues I was having or the issue I would soon be running into. Next, we were looking for financial planning services to help with our investments and future planning. My question to them was “Are you also planning for the future?” This same plan went on for every consultant and service we were looking for. It seems the strength coaching field does not work the same way. It seems if you are an athlete (and in need for a good strength coach), than it is not necessary for your then to have spent any time under the bar. How in the hell can this be true. I do not see my self as training or strength coach expert but I can say I have learned 40% of what I know from training from school, books and other people, while the other 60% has come from my own personal experience under the bar. As far as this goes, how do you know what you believe in if you do not put it to the test? It has always amazed me the number of coaches who do not strength train at all but then will go around the country speaking about the “benefits” of their training program. If it so damn easy to get stronger on this great program of yours, then why are you not doing it? I have heard every excuse in the book ranging from: “I am retired” (retired from a 225 bench press?) “I do not have the time”, “I just do cardio now.”, “I am too beat up.”, and the list goes on and on. This crap just goes over my head. I am trying to run a company, train on team Westside raise two kids, and have had my share of injuries. We all have the same 24 hours in a day and I still manage to get into the gym and bust my ass to get stronger. I have to because this is a part of my life I hold in high value and the only way I can truly test new training methods is to first test them on myself. I know how strength feels and what it takes to get strong. I am looking for the 100% result and could never settle for 40% results.
Topic #3: Coaches and trainers who, for lack of better a better phrase, do stupid shit.
I could write forever on this one so let me list some of the things I have seen and heard over the years.
1. We do not believe in squats and spend all of our time doing lunges.
2. Our bench program is the best around. We do 40 reps at 80 percent and try to get them all done in 15 minutes.
3. Our program is 90% stability and 10% strength.
4. Our golfers all run on a high powered over speed tread mill.
5. We squat on a 30 inch box because we don’t want knee injuries.
6. We train chest and shoulder on day one, back and biceps on day two ……..
7. Instead of squats we use the smith machine so we don’t hurt our athletes.
8. My clients can only train one day per week so I make sure to kill them so they can’t move for two days.
9. We like to have our players wear bench shirts and knee wraps around the elbows for all our bench training.
10. We strive to have our behind the neck press to be over 90% of our bench press.
11. Our goal is to bust ass on 15 movements per training session.
12. We like to run wind sprints in between our speed squat sets.
13. Everything we do is with one leg or one arm.
14. We are trying to develop athletes in the weight room so strength is not our goal.
15. I like to have my women bench press to help them get their boobs bigger.
There are hundreds more and all I can say is, WHERE IN THE HELL DOES THIS ALL COME FROM?
Topic #4: Great Break
As we were still debating about the stupid crap coaches and trainers do our UPS guy walked into the office with a small brown package. I busted it open saw that my special pre-order DVD has arrived. Yes, I pre-ordered the Parris Hilton DVD “1 Night in Paris” Hey, I see it this way. We are an internet company and have to do our part and help support other internet companies. So it was now break time, I set up the conference table, projector, big screen and lap top and in when the DVD. As the movie was rolling Jim spoke up and said. “Hey have you all ever used the Blue Heat as lube?” Scared this was going to become a circle jerk I knew we had to kill this movie as soon as we could but I just could not get myself to turn it off. The conversation turned to gym sex and how each piece of equipment could be put to good use. Now I know some of these ideas came out of personal experience because the details coming from Jim were too good to come only from imagination. Here is what we came up with.
1. Flat Bench Sex: Now you will not be able to use a good arch as it will point you in the wrong direction so you will need to make sure and keep your feet out in front. Make sure to keep your shoulder blades tight to keep from being ridden off the back of the bench. This is pretty common bench sex technique but I know from past experience that I would be good for either on max effort or 8 sets of three with more force and speed. For extra resistance and deeper penetration you can also toss some chains over her shoulders. Jim’s record for this one is 20 reps with 4 chains per side. Bands can be tricky as much of this will depend on the strength of your partner’s legs. So it is best to keep with one mini band per side to avoid overtraining. A four board can be used for those partners you are all not that failure with and want to avoid any mouth contact. But you may find with this over a few reps that the board may get jacked into your throat cause affixation. But hey if you are into this go for it.
2. Incline Bench Sex: This is best suited for all those jacked up bloated power lifters who do not want to do any work and need to keep their back in a fixed position to avoid back cramps we are all too familiar with. While the penetration may not be as good you can’t beat the relaxed back feel. You can try different pin settings on the bench to try to hit different angles to find the best range of motion for you. Keep in mind this is an accessory movement and should not be trained with speed or maximum effort. If you try to use bands or chains you will find that it will require too much leg drive and thus more work then needed.
3. Neck Harness Pleasure for her: To accomplish this you will need your partner to lay toward the end of the bed with her legs off the bed. You will then strap on the neck harness and kneel between her legs. You know what to do from hear but be ready for the neck workout of your life. While Jim says this is how he developed his freakish yolk. I feel this is better when you stay on the bed and switch positions with your partner wearing the harness. The key hear is to load up enough weight for her to only get 10 or so reps. This way she can’t quit when the going get good. The added deep throat bonus makes this move rank five stars in our book.
4. The R3 Rack Band Bop: This is the real reason we have included band pegs at the top of the R3 rack. For this to work you need to use two large strong bands. These bands will attach around and behind your partners legs as she is in a seated position with her legs out to the front. If your partner is on the larger side you may need to use more band tension. I remember this one time when Jim had one girl in there that need three strong bands per side. But as we found out this will work for anyone. After you get her hooked up you slide underneath, lube up and get ready for the band bop. To begin you ask her to relax and then pull down on her legs to initiate the down ward force of the bands creating a nice stretch reflex. If you find the bands are pulling her up too high, toss a few chains over her shoulders to get the correct resistance.
5. Bench Shirt Sex. Hey, everything is better with a bench shirt, plus you should get a good carry over. The Raw days have been over for some time.
6. Doggie Dead Lift: This is the best way to add staying power to the doggie position. For this to work you need to cut the crotch out of your old dead lift suit and then have her help you pull the straps up. From here you lube up and get ready for the ride of your life. For added resistance you can place a green band around your upper back and traps with the other end around your knees. This will get your lower back flaming and will defiantly lead to a bigger dead lift. As an added bonus you can wrap a second band around her shoulders and your hips to help more thrust power.
7. Hanging Ab Strap Fun. For this you will set yourself up in the hanging ab straps with one mini band attached to each foot and around the bottom of the rack. Not sure what you can do from here but it is a good start.
8. Shoulder Horn Doggie Style. Set up as you would with Doggie Dead Lift but add one mini band around her upper torso. You then will grab one side of the band with each hand and begin external rotators. This is not good for those who can’t chew gum and walk at the same time.
9. Ammonia Cap Blast Off. This can be used in conjunction with any of the positions. If you need that added boost or are looking for a more exciting happy ending all you have to do is bust up one cap and stick it in each nostril and away you go. We advise you ask permission if you plan on have your partner partake.
10. Leather Triceps Strap Madness. Think of this as your steering wheel for the BJ of your life. Can be used with both partners but we do caution against pulling too hard without prior permission.
11. Bench Shirt Missionary Position. This is for those who may have a big bench day or meet coming up and do not want to wear their triceps out from a night of heated passion. Just pull on your shirt the same way you would to bench with. Next, lube up, mount and you will find your arms can last forever. Now if you do want to lower self to kiss your sweetheart you will have to begin your descent with your elbows out until you feel the chest panels tighten up. You will then have to tuck your elbows and push your belly out to get down to her. It will however be a very short kiss as you will explode back up. Now keep in mind if you find you have to help yourself get excited it may be a bit of a challenge with your shirt on. This is why we suggest an open back shirt as it will be easier to get on and off.
12. Westside Video. Hey, this is the porn for power lifters. Just like any other porn you may find yourself holding down the fast forward button to avoid all Louie’s training gibberish. The training videos and Chuck’s squat tape are great for this as the heavy weights are always good for a happy ending.
13. Back Knobber 2: Just look at the pic on the web site and let you imagination run wide. If you are not into anal probing make sure this is clear to your partner before you break out the Knobber.
14. Weight Vest: Great for those times when you are wondering what it would be like to have sex with 275 pound women on top.
15. PLUSA Sex. This is a trick I picked up a few years back when I was having problems and could not afford the little blue pills. As you are having sex with your sweetheart and feel like it may be over too soon. You switch to doggie style and pull out a PLUSA from under the mattress (I know that’s were we all store them right?) and open it up across her lower back. Just watch out for those world record pictures as it may work against you. Better yet pull out Supertraining and you will last forever.
16. The Sled Size Queen: This is especially for her and for those of you who are lacking in the size department. If your woman likes more beef in her sandwich, more beef than you are working with, then have her sit on the sled and pull away. While not an ego boost for men, hopefully dragging her around will make you too tired to care. You may want
17. The Depth Finder: If your woman likes to squat but has trouble finding the correct depth, lie down underneath her while she squats and have her squat down until she is “all encompassing.” At this point, give her a few pumps and yell “UP!” Repeat until you are done. Make sure she is using a super slow eccentric phase as to not bend the thing that should not bend.
18. The Corpse: Oh man, nothing is worse than having sex with a girl that just lays there and says nothing. This is when you bust out the ammonia caps and give her a few nose jolts to make her squirm. A full hit with a fresh ammonia cap will always get “Oh my God!” Not the same, but it’s better than being a pseudo necrophiliac.
19. The Conditioner: This is for the older guys or the guys who need some extra aerobic conditioning. To do this, attach a heart rate monitor to your wrist (or wherever the hell you put them) and try to keep yourself in your “Target Heart Rate”. The key is to not overextend yourself; you must get 20 minutes of work in. This works well in conjunction with PLUSA Sex (see above). You may want to have a Sharpie on hand to write down your heart rate at certain time intervals; your forearm will do or if your partner is sensitive to your needs, feel free to scribble on the chest.
20. Plate Holds: With yourself in a fully excited position, place a plate or attach a weight somehow and see how long and how much you can hold it for. Start light and work up. Work yourself up to doing cock pushups.
Well it’s now 5:00pm and another day at the compound is over. I hope you enjoyed our sick and perverted rant.