OutsideSubmission-3 columnist

With our first child on the way, my wife and I decided to move closer to my in-laws. Free daycare, right? Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it, the area is definitely more… rural than I’m used to. My buddy asked how to get to my new place, and I told him, “You drive to the ass-end of nowhere, then keep going about 15 more minutes.”

For the last few years, I’ve alternated between training at home in my suburban garage and lifting at VIP Strength in Newtown, Pennsylvania. (Hey, Brian!) But now that I’m out in the middle of nowhere, I’m looking forward to beginning my descent into hermitude and madness as I train alone. Picture Jack Nicholson’s character in The Shining except more swole.

Here are the five things I want baby Jesus to bring me this Christmas to help me on my way:

1. E-Series Yoke

I have a gravel driveway that’s almost a half-mile long, so if you’re not interested in carrying or dragging heavy things for distance, you can probably just skip the rest of this list. Thanks for reading this far, though!

2. E-Series Farmer’s Walk Handles

In my mind, there is nothing more badass than the farmer’s walk. Load up the handles and walk until you can’t anymore. Then the next day, your traps, forearms, and everything else feels like they got fed through a wood chipper. What’s not to love?

3. Pair of Black Proloc Magnetic Collars

Better order two pairs of these, one for each handle. The last thing I need is to get halfway down the driveway, spill a couple hundred pounds of plates all over the ground, and then have to carry them back to the house in shame.

4. Truck Push Handle

If you’re not putting a snowplow on the front of your truck, a Truck Push Handle on the back, and turning yourself into a human snowplow this winter, well… what exactly are you doing with your life?

5. Hi-Temp Husafell Stone

What better first impression is there for your neighbors than to see you blasting some metal from your stereo while walking around your yard holding a stone shaped like a freaking coffin?

If you’re ever driving through New Jersey farmland, and you see some big Sasquatch-looking guy head-banging to Ozzy-era Black Sabbath in-between sets, stop by and say hi. Who knows, if Dave Tate publishes this list, I might even give you a turn on my shiny new Husafell Stone!

Jim Arkuszewski is an infrequently competing powerlifter and strongman-in-training in Hunterdon County, New Jersey. He’s six-foot-four with long arms, so he loves to deadlift and hates to bench press. He has a lovely wife, a daughter on the way, and a dog and a cat that are more spoiled than any animal has the right to be. You can join his other 12 followers on Instagram at @mediocredeadlifting.

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