OutsideSubmission-3 columnist

The season of giving is upon us, and with that comes the chance to give the present of manhood to one of your loved ones. Do you know a poor bastard whose testicles really need to drop this holiday season? This selection of gifts has been proven to raise testosterone levels by as much as 1,849 percent!

fragile masculinity xmas gallery

1. Flag Squatter Tee

On the first day of Christmas, my girlfriend gave to me… a brand new, awesome, elitefts logo in a motherfucking ‘Murica flag tee! Seriously, keep this on after squats, and you’ll be drowning in dirty housewives before your post-workout shake.

2. Bison Chalk

If you’re like most lifters, you've experienced that one time your grip failed you in your pursuit of an epic personal best in the deadlift, you need this. Forget straps and forget forearm training; this powder will help a bunch in holding the damn bar. And as a bonus, you could look like LeBron throwing the damn chalk all over the place. What’s not to like?

3. Prowler 2

We get it… You don’t like conditioning. But you don’t like not being able to see your dick, either. And if you’ve decided to lose some pounds, why not do it in the most badass way possible? Pushing this thing around will pump you up like Pumping Iron on even more steroids. No MOAH! No MOAH!

4. Sandbag

This one’s for dudes who keep finding themselves kidnapping drunk chicks weighing roughly 150 pounds. Or for guys who just want to add some functional training to their diet. The weird weight distribution of these bags will mess you up... in a good way.

5. Set of bands

If you have trouble finishing your deadlifts or are lacking some speed to your bench, some band work might help. Mix and match! Adding resistance bands to your training will have you locking shit up like you’re an NFL owner.

So yes, we do realize anyone who has the space would want a sick monolift or two. And of course, we’d love to have a yoke, a safety squat bar, and some farmers walk handles. This list, however, offers you some suggestions you might not have thought of yet.

Header image credit: Marian Vejcik © 123rf.com

Tiel van den Heuvel is a 33-year-old Dutchman who’s recently decided that it’s not too late to get stronger and leaner. His ultimate goal: Dunk a basketball. He’s on his way to an athletic physique and is planning to have loads of fun on the way there.

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